To the Mom Feeling Burned Out: Part 3
Check Your Boundaries.
I know you've heard it...you can't give from an empty cup. It's true, and right now, we're all running on empty. Much of that has to do with poor or leaky boundaries. Many of us were raised to be kind and polite, and while this is important and virtuous, sometimes it can be to our own detriment. Sometimes we learn to be people-pleasers instead of using our voice to meet our own needs. If we were raised in a home where we had to be agreeable, so we didn't offend anyone, we learned that saying "no" is not an option. We had to say "yes" (even if it didn't serve us) to keep harmony with those around us and stay emotionally safe.
It's not virtuous to stuff your needs just to make others happy. I'll repeat it. There is no virtue in dying to yourself to make others happy. There is virtue in being kind. There is virtue in considering others' well-being. There is virtue in communicating your boundaries clearly. There is virtue in filling your own cup so that you can serve those around you from a place of love, not out of obligation. When we don't have a voice, we push down our emotions (if you missed post #1, check it out HERE) and end up feeling resentment, exhausted, and burnt out. We tell ourselves that we are selfish if we fill our own cup (if you missed post #2, check it out HERE). It makes sense how we got here, though. If this is a struggle of yours, somewhere along the way, you learned to stuff your own needs so you could be loved.
Our world pushes the narrative that we can have it all and be all to everyone, but it's not true. We can't have it all. We are all bound by limited time and resources, and we have to choose if we're going to say yes to the most critical things or yes to all the things (which is a no to the most important).
Our world also pushes the narrative that it's not okay to disappoint people. Friend, let. That. Go. You can't make everyone happy, no matter how hard you try, and you're increasing your burnout as you pursue it.
So let's take a look at some of the areas that increase burnout regarding poor boundaries.
Your schedule.
Is your life over-scheduled? If so, what is most important? Is it necessary for your child to be in three sports? Is this currently a season you need to be volunteering more time than you have available? Do you define your worth by your busyness? If so, how could you let that go? Is it moving you forward or causing your world to be in constant chaos? How could you do less and be present more?
Our kids need our presence more than they need us to perform. Every time we say yes to things that don't matter but say no to things that matter most, we sell out our priorities and values. How could you simplify your life? What could you outsource? What could you limit? You'll never look back on your life in your older years and wish you had spent more time in chaos and hurry while you had your kids at home.
Self-care.
You may not know this, but no one gets an award for being the most burned-out mom. Truly! Ask yourself...what are you trying to prove, and who are you trying to prove it to? How heavy is your mental load? (You know, all of the noise and details we have to manage in our heads as moms that contribute to brain fog?) What do you need to do to dump it?
How often do you rest? Without rest, burnout is inevitable. How much time do you spend on social media? Do you find yourself scrolling for hours only to look up and realize that time has been passing by and you've missed it? Do you let the story that everyone else has perfect lives, marriages, children, bodies, vacations, etc., permeate your soul?
Where do you need self-control in your life? When we have self-control, everything in our life gets easier and simpler. Are you protecting your sleep? Eating foods that give you energy and contribute to health? Modeling self-control for our children teaches them to put first things first.
We are teaching them something, even if we don't realize it. Our kids are watching, and they'll take on the same level of self-care that we model for ourselves. Our kids learn more from observing us than they do from what we actually teach them.
Relationships
I have a friend who has a friend- let's call her Laura, who expects my friend to be everything to her. Laura doesn't want my friend to have any other friends. Laura expects my friend to be available 24/7 and gets mad at her if she doesn't respond immediately to her constant texts and calls. My friend, who was raised to be a feeling-stuffer, people-pleaser, put others first even if you're drowning, kind of person, doesn't know how to set boundaries with Laura. She doesn't want to disappoint her or, frankly, deal with the repercussions of making her mad. So, she just goes along, constantly feeling the heavy burden of carrying Laura's expectations with her. My friend resents Laura's behavior but doesn't see herself as a free agent that can set boundaries in her life that work for her. Growing up, that type of autonomy would be labeled as selfish. She believes that it's her job to manage Laura's feelings rather than protect her own well-being.
Toxic relationships in our lives lead to burnout as we choose to carry everyone else's baggage.
To live life in freedom and joy, it's essential to evaluate if those in our inner circle are life-giving or oxygen-sucking.
When we have healthy boundaries, we're free to love others with love and kindness and not resentment. However, we can't make others happy and care for ourselves at the same time. We're burned out because we try to be everything to everyone. We're burned out because we are afraid to disappoint people. As long as we manage other people's feelings and put them before our own well-being, we will be stuck in mental and physical exhaustion.
I want to emphasize we are to be kind, compassionate, considerate, and caring towards others. And, we're free to do that when we are taking care of ourselves first.
To wrap up this three-part series, let's revisit the areas we need to check on in our lives:
Check your emotions. Are you stuffing them or giving them the voice they need?
Check your self-talk. Are you telling yourself the truth or acting off of your impaired emotions?
Check your boundaries. Are you burned out because you feel guilt or shame in saying no?
If you struggle in any of these areas, you're not alone. As a recovering people-pleaser myself, it took time to figure out that I was actually the source of my problems. I was the one stuffing my emotions, telling myself stories that weren't true, and not setting boundaries with those that drained me. I did the work, and it changed my life and helped me avoid burnout.
CHANGE HOW YOU SEE FIT...Sometimes we can feel burnt out because our kids struggle and we don't know how to help them. You might feel the frustration and despair of wanting to pour into your kids but don't know where to start.
If so, you might be interested in my next coaching group for moms with anxious kids. In this 8-week group coaching for moms, I'll share easy tools and strategies to help you help your child and navigate the fear you are feeling as a burned-out mom. For more information on that, click HERE.
Let's be honest, most kids are anxious right now (understandably), and it's hard to know how to navigate their pain. Instead of feeling powerless in their lives, we'll focus on strategies to help our kids thrive emotionally.
You’re amazing. Start LIVING like it!
Kim
Kim Anderson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC-MHSP) and a Certified Life Professional Coach (CPLC) who loves helping others live their lives with passion and purpose. She lives with her husband and two teenagers outside of Nashville, in Franklin, Tennessee, where she loves seasons, rolling hills, and the warmth of the South. Follow Kim at www.kimanderson.life, on Instagram @kim_anderson_life, and on Facebook@ KimAndersonLifeCoachingto learn more about what she offers.