To the Mom Feeling Burned Out: Part 2
Check Your Self-Talk.
Welcome back to my three-part series for burned-out moms. There are three critical areas that we need to check in regarding parenting.
Last week, we checked our emotions. Are we stuffing them or acknowledging them? If you missed it, check it out HERE.
This week, we're checking our self-talk or that pesky inner critic of ours. We can quickly feel burned out by telling ourselves lies or stories that aren't true. It's easy to do in today's world, where we are constantly bombarded by everyone else's "perfect" lives. But you and I both know that all that glitters isn't gold. Behind closed doors, everyone is fighting their own private battle. A battle that you don't know anything about.
I believe God uses our kids to grow us, and one of the most beneficial things we can do for our kids is to pay attention to our inner critic. That critic tells us stories (that usually aren't true but do make us feel in control). The ironic part of it is that those stories don't actually give us control, but they make us feel anger, hurt, lonely, sad, fear, or shame. Then, we act out of those emotions, usually with choices that don't serve us...or that we regret.
It can look like this:
You're driving down the road and get cut off by a car.
You immediately feel annoyed, disrespected, and angry.
You respond by honking your horn and yelling at them.
You tell yourself (inner critic) that they cut you off on purpose and don't respect you.
Turns out: it was a dad rushing to the hospital because his child had just been admitted with a life-threatening injury.
or this:
Your friends got together for a gathering, and you weren't invited (you know, because you see pictures on social media).
You immediately feel hurt and excluded.
You respond by texting them passive-aggressively, which pushes them away.
You tell yourself (inner critic) they didn't include you on purpose. That they would know how hurtful it was to you, and you did it anyway.
Turns out: they were meeting as a committee to plan an event at school and turned it into a social event. They weren't excluding you at all. You just aren't on that committee.
That's why I encourage you to check your self-talk and then filter it through truth. First, we have to be aware of our feelings (see last week's post), and then we have to capture our thoughts and filter them through truth.
Do any of these self-talk stories feel familiar?
My child can't handle hard things. Turns out: Our job is to help them handle the bumps, not remove them. They need to be able to handle hard things when they fly. Removing the bumps now clips their wings and keeps them from establishing grit.
My child won't be okay if they are hurt. Turns out: Kids are resilient and can handle hard things when we can walk them through them and be a safe base for them.
My child needs to be a top athlete/student/popular/(fill in expectations). Turns out: We harm our kids when we put expectations on our kids to be someone they aren't. Our job is to delight in them for who they are, not how they perform.
I won't be okay if my child is hurt. Turns out: If you're a parent, you're going to watch your kids walk through hard things. You will be stronger because of it.
I have to be a perfect mom. Turns out: We only have to get it right 30% of the time to create a secure attachment with our kids (but we do have to do the work and repair). Our kids don't need a perfect mom; they need a present mom.
My child should feel bad that they hurt my feelings. Turns out: Our kids should never have to manage our emotions. It's our job to take care of our own emotional well-being and not put it on them.
My child's behavior is embarrassing because it makes me look like a bad mom. Turns out: Our kids will make mistakes, even if we're amazing parents.
The bottom line is this - if we're telling ourselves stories about who we have to be as parents or how our kids should be as children, we have no choice but to feel burned out.
No wonder we don't feel like getting out of bed when we tell ourselves that we're failing as parents.
That we're not enough.
That we're behind on life.
It's tough when our kids struggle and don't know what to do. We don't know how to fix it.
That's why I'm excited about my upcoming coaching group for moms of anxious kids. Of course, you'll feel overwhelmed when your child is feeling anxious. You want to help them, but it's hard to know-how. In this 8-week group coaching for moms, I'll share easy tools and strategies to help you help your child and navigate the fear you are feeling as a burned-out mom. For more information on that, click HERE.
And, I'll be back next week to share one more helpful tip for burned-out moms!
I’ll see you next week with the final installment of this three-part series dedicated to the burned-out mom!
You’re amazing. Start LIVING like it!
Kim
Kim Anderson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC-MHSP) and a Certified Life Professional Coach (CPLC) who loves helping others live their lives with passion and purpose. She lives with her husband and two teenagers outside of Nashville, in Franklin, Tennessee, where she loves seasons, rolling hills, and the warmth of the South. Follow Kim at www.kimanderson.life, on Instagram @kim_anderson_life, and on Facebook@ KimAndersonLifeCoachingto learn more about what she offers.