Are You Stressing Your Kids Out?
The holidays are upon us. Christmas decor is already in stores, even before we’ve made it through the Halloween mad-dash.
I was doing some last-minute candy shopping for the neighborhood trick-or-treating and overheard a mom in the next aisle frantically going through what’s left of the picked-over costume choices with her youngster.
From the over-the-aisle dialog, I could infer that the child’s previously scheduled costume got ripped at a truck-or-treat so this last-minute slim-pickin’ was not a welcomed outing.
I could hear tones elevating and the stress in the mom’s voice was palpable. As she tried to hurry the process along, the child began to cry. “We don’t have time for this. This is all there is! I have to get back to work. You need to make a decision!”
My heart went out to that mom. I thought about how many breakdowns my kids have had that have felt so similar to this situation.
Our kids sense when we are dysregulated, stressed, anxious, and sad. Like animals can sense our moods, so can our children. They pick up on our emotions which can have a direct correlation to those of our children.
Listen, it's difficult to be a kid in today's world. But just as true, it's difficult to be a parent in today's world.
There are so many challenges coming at us everywhere we turn. Like ripped-Halloween-costume disappointment, being late for work meetings, and tears in Target aisles.
Having an awareness of how our attitudes and emotions affect our children will give you a better foundation to knowing how to help our kids when they're struggling.
Getting angry and upset isn’t going to help make a costume choice faster. Instead, it’s going to lead to even more anger. More delay. More hurt feelings.
The truth is, though, if we're struggling, we're stressing our kids out. But our kids don’t always have the proper language or understanding to express how they’re feeling.
So, the best way we can help our kids is by taking care of ourselves. Here are three tips that will make a difference in the life of your child:
CREATE A STRUCTURED, CALM ENVIRONMENT.
Yes, it's easier said than done, but it's important. Families today are over-scheduled and over-committed. We've traded in family meals and intentional connection for sports practices and dinner on the go. Set boundaries against your schedule. Eliminate hurry from your family's life. Kids need downtime. They need family meals. They need space to just be, even if it means they can't be on two travel teams and attend every social gathering you want them to.
CREATE WAYS TO DEAL WITH YOUR STRESS.
If you're stressed, your kids are stressed. Kids feed off the vibe you're giving out. If you're not regulated, your kids aren't regulated. One of the most important things you can do for your kids is to take care of your emotional regulation first. Yes, but how? Let me introduce you to a concept called the Window of Tolerance. It's our job to manage our dysregulation. No one's going to do it for us.
CREATE SPACE BETWEEN YOUR LIFE AND THEIRS.
Our kids need us to have our own lives, and not be consumed by theirs. If you've got a middle schooler and you're on her Instagram as much as she is, it's time to create space. If you find yourself drilling your child on the latest drama, gossip or happenings with their friends, it's time to create space. They're not going to come right out and tell you (well, some might), but no child wants to feel like their parents are in their social world. Let them be on the roller coaster of their life. Don't grab the seat next to them. Instead, be at the bottom, with your arms open, love in your heart, a smile on your face, giving support as needed. You want them to be able to turn to you for advice and consultation as they grow, not hide things from you because they're frustrated you are too enmeshed in their world.
The bottom line is this. We teach our kids how to regulate their emotions. If we're not regulated, they're not regulated. If we're stressed out, they're stressed out. They feed off of the tension and stress that we put into the environment.
What do you need today to create a calm environment at home, to create margin in your schedule to eliminate hurry, to manage your stress, and to create space between your life and theirs? It might be difficult to claim new patterns, especially during this crazy holiday season that’s already upon us, but you won't regret it. Maybe it can be a new tradition you set for yourself and your family!
You are amazing! Now start living like it!
Kim Anderson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC-MHSP) and a Certified Life Professional Coach (CPLC) who loves helping others live their lives with passion and purpose. She lives with her husband and two teenagers outside of Nashville, in Franklin, Tennessee, where she loves seasons, rolling hills, and the warmth of the South. Follow Kim at www.kimanderson.life, on Instagram @kim_anderson_life, and on Facebook@ KimAndersonLifeCoachingto learn more about what she offers.