Your Marriage Matters
A couple of years ago, I was working with a woman for a few months who needed some help navigating a season of rough waters in her life.
After making some major strides in healing, a struggle she couldn’t seem to wade through was her marriage. But she couldn’t do that alone. After all, she wasn’t in the marriage alone.
I reached out to a counselor colleague of mine who specializes in couples and marriage to see if she would be willing to work with my client and her husband.
The couple signed a release statement, allowing my colleague and myself to consult with each other in hopes of working as a team. While recent events stacked the odds against this couple’s relationship, I still had hope. I had hope that once they began doing the work together, things would shift. These two wonderful people had somehow become disconnected through the challenges of life.
After working as a team for a while, they reached an impasse and couldn’t move forward as a couple. It was too late for marriage counseling. One spouse had checked out completely and wasn’t coming back.
As we were consulting, my colleague said something that hit me at my core. She said, “Wouldn’t it be great if we had just gotten them sooner before they were done?” Even as I write this, I feel the weight of that statement.
If we had just gotten them into counseling sooner, we could have instilled hope.
We could have taught tools and fostered connection.
We could have shown them a way out.
Friends, I get it. I know what you’re thinking...
Sometimes the relationship is not recoverable.
Sometimes it is healthier for everyone to close the chapter.
Sometimes it is a necessary ending.
Today, however, I am talking to the couple who wants to make it work but just doesn’t know how. I want to give you hope, to reach you “sooner.”
We can enrich our marriages and have more fulfilling relationships when we embrace these three truths:
MARRIAGE CAN’T RUN ON AUTOPILOT.
A marriage cannot run on autopilot. You are either flying up or down, investing or depleting. You are either building up or tearing down. Believing the lie that you can just coast for a while is especially easy during the child-rearing years. You run ragged between soccer tournaments, school functions, work commitments, and family expectations. Couple connection time is often what gets cut. Digital devices and distractions consume time, energy, and emotion, and before you know it, you are climbing in bed with someone you hardly know.
OUR SPOUSE SHOULD NOT COMPLETE US.
A marriage is a union of two imperfect people. Why do we expect our spouse to complete, rescue, or save us? Did we all believe the fairy tales we read growing up? The reality is, you are flawed and so is your spouse. (I know, that sounds harsh!). No human is supernaturally able to sustain you or fill all your holes. When you have false expectations, looking to your spouse to meet needs they are not capable of meeting, you can’t help but think less of them, and that devaluation sets off a cascade of issues. Instead, look to God for completion; your spouse is merely a human you are in relationship with. What would it take to recalibrate your expectations?
WE CAN’T DO IT ON OUR OWN.
A marriage needs outside help to thrive. You can’t do it alone. My husband and I can’t do it alone. Traditionally, we began married life surrounded by a village of family and lifelong friends. Modern life looks different, but you still need guidance and support. We need professionals, church staff, and/or other couples to walk with through the peaks and valleys. We need those wiser or further along to speak truth when we need it and to encourage our marriage connection. I beg you to do it “sooner,” before it is too late, because I care about you. I am partial to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) if you are able to find a certified therapist in your area (see EFT link here).
If you are stuck in the area of marriage, it is difficult to thrive in any area of life; the relationship is that essential—bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh (Gen. 2:23). I believe in you. I am rooting for you. I am your cheerleader while you lean into the work. Your marriage is worth it. And so are you!
You are amazing! Now start living like it!
Kim Anderson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC-MHSP) and a Certified Life Professional Coach (CPLC) who loves helping others live their lives with passion and purpose. She lives with her husband and two teenagers outside of Nashville, in Franklin, Tennessee, where she loves seasons, rolling hills, and the warmth of the South. Follow Kim at www.kimanderson.life, on Instagram @kim_anderson_life, and on Facebook@ KimAndersonLifeCoachingto learn more about what she offers.