Do My Kids Define Me?
I feel particularly compassionate toward moms who believe the lie that their kids define who they are. My heart hurts when moms take on their kids’ successes or failures as their own. I see it so often in my office and truthfully, there are times I have walked down that path myself. And let's be honest. It is so difficult not to.
This issue has only gotten worse in today’s world. Social comparison is ready and waiting the moment we open social media. It’s easy to say we aren’t affected, but I think we all may be on some level. This mindset keeps us stuck and from being the best women that we can be.
Since it is easy to get caught in this trap, I always like to remember what is true:
Truth 1: Our Kids Cannot Heal Our Story
Our kids are not here to heal our emotional wounds or fill the brokenness we felt growing up. If we are looking to that precious little angel of ours—or, yikes, that hormonal teenager of ours—to repair our hurt, we will be disappointed. And, we could even wound them in the process.
If you were picked last at the dance, do you pressure your daughter to be popular? If you feel overweight, do you make your daughter obsess over the calories in what she eats? If you didn’t make the cheer squad, do you push your daughter in that direction, even if she prefers soccer, art or music? Loving our kids unconditionally means letting them be who they are created to be, not who we need them to be. They need us to cheer them on when they are stepping out and taking risks, even if they aren't the ones we would choose for them.
Truth 2: Our Kids Are Not Us
Let’s say your daughter comes home from school and is hurt by the way someone has treated her. Does her pain immediately become your pain? Do you want to find that mean girl and put her in her place? Maybe you text her mom (because calling would be too confrontational) and let her know that her daughter needs to fix her behavior. You feel justified in doing so because your daughter was so hurt. And so were you.
It can look like this, too. Your son didn’t make the basketball team. He is devastated. It is as if you didn't make the team. So, you call the school and let them know it wasn’t fair. You tell them they made a mistake. Yes, you become that parent because you took on his hurt as your own. (And, yes. I have been that parent.)
Here’s the reality. Of course we are going to be sad when our kids are walking through disappointment. We love them with all of our heart and want the best for them. It is impossible to not feel sadness or hurt for them. The problem is in taking on the hurt as our own. Our kids will grow through hurt and disappointment and establish resilience and grit. They need us to support them through the bumps in the road, not remove them. We need to be free to make mistakes, and so do they. Thank goodness we all get to be human.
Truth 3: Our Kids Need Us to Invest in Ourselves
Yes, our kids are important. Absolutely, they need our unconditional love and attention, and when they are young, they need lots of it. But, ladies…we can’t give from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. Even Jesus knew when he needed to be alone to spend time with his Father. He separated himself to recharge, regroup, and focus on his mission.
Maybe it’s been a while since you’ve thought about your passions. Perhaps it is time to create some space to think about what you love, what you want more of, and what makes you feel alive. You have unique gifts, strengths, and abilities that set you apart. What are they? How could you create some space for you so that you have more to give?
Be your kid’s safe refuge. Stand at the bottom of the roller coaster with your arms wide open, ready to love them unconditionally. Just don’t get on the ride with them. It is not your ride.
You are amazing! Start living like it!
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Kim Anderson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC-MHSP) and a Certified Life Professional Coach (CPLC) who loves helping others live their lives with passion and purpose. She lives with her husband and two teenagers outside of Nashville, in Franklin, Tennessee, where she loves seasons, rolling hills, and the warmth of the South. Follow Kim at www.kimanderson.life, on Instagram @kim_anderson_life, and on Facebook@ KimAndersonLifeCoachingto learn more about what she offers.
