How To Navigate Difficult Family Gathering Conversations
Thanksgiving is next week. Next week! How on earth is that possible!? I don’t know about you, but to me, it feels like this year has FLOWN by. Wasn’t it just spring break!?
Well, now that the holiday season is upon us, for a lot of us, it means we’re about to be around family. And, if your family is like most families, you have a wide range of opinions - different ways to cook the mashed potatoes, the best stuffing recipe, fried turkey or roasted, or differing of opinions when it comes to the hot button issues like religion and politics, or this year’s newest one - vaccination statuses. It’s easy to find yourself in a conversation that’s difficult to navigate if you’re not in the frame of mind to discuss it.
If spending the holidays with family or friends with differing opinions gives you the same feeling as it does when you turn on the news, you need to make a plan to keep your nervous system relaxed and calm instead of tied in knots.
So, here’s how to approach the holidays without turning the dinner table into the comment thread of a political social media post.
We can all easily navigate difficult family gathering conversations when we keep these three tips in mind.
1. BE CURIOUS ABOUT OTHERS
“People fail to get along because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don't know each other; they don't know each other because they have not communicated with each other.”- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Our differences make us beautiful. We don’t have to be the same. We don’t even have to agree. When we know someone’s story and understand their story, their reasons, and their passions, our defenses come down. We begin to find areas of connectedness, in spite of our differences.
It’s easy to operate in herd mentality and feel like we need to adopt the thoughts and behaviors of those around us. It makes us feel safe and protected to know we aren’t alone. The news and social media force us into our own silos of thought, leaving us feeling like it’s an “us vs. them” world. It’s not. We are more alike than the media wants us to believe.
Instead, be curious.
Listen more than you speak. Have a discussion with someone who is different than you. Seek to understand, even if you disagree. Judging and assuming is never helpful. We are so much more than the people we vote for, the political party we align with, the neighborhood we live in, or the job we work at.
2. EMBRACE DISCORD.
It’s okay to disagree. Let me say that again. It’s okay to disagree. Everyone has a reason for what they believe. Their life journey is different than yours. It doesn’t mean one is right and one is wrong. It’s not about being right. They’re just different. Imagine how boring life would be if we all held the same exact views. Our different perspectives create beauty.
We’re more alike than we are different.
Critical thinking is crucial. Just because someone voted for someone you don’t like doesn’t make them a threat. Just because someone has a different perspective about vaccines doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. Just because someone would tackle a problem differently than you doesn’t make them a bad person. Looking at life through a lens of polarity keeps us stuck. Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean someone else has to own your offense. We can’t delegate our offenses to other people.
Nashville Pastor, Scott Sauls, says it best in his book, A Gentle Answer, “Because Jesus covered all of our offenses, we can be among the least offensive and least offended people in the world. This is the way of the gentle answer.”
3. PRACTICE BOUNDARIES WHEN NECESSARY
Now, I get it. Some family dynamics can be downright combative or hostile. If that’s the case, a sensitive subject comes up, and tips one and two above don’t work, it’s time to set boundaries.
First, try to agree to disagree with your loved ones, and table any hot button conversations. If that doesn’t work, and the debate continues, you might have to use the boundary of space and time. In your situation, it might be that removing yourself from a combative or hostile environment is necessary. Unfortunately, we can’t force other people to agree to disagree. We can only control ourselves.
As I wrap up, I want to share these wise words - President Lincoln said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” And it’s true. We need each other. As humans, we are created for connection. We need different points of view and different lenses. We all have unique stories and journeys and have very good reasons for why we believe what we do. Embrace civil discourse, allowing us to live in harmony with each other, even when we disagree.
Let’s do ourselves a favor, and choose to come together, listen to each other, and encourage each other. Be curious, embrace discord, and when necessary, set boundaries. We were never meant to walk alone. We are in this together.
You are amazing! Start living like it!
Kim Anderson is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC-MHSP) and a Certified Life Professional Coach (CPLC) who loves helping others live their lives with passion and purpose. She lives with her husband and two teenagers outside of Nashville, in Franklin, Tennessee, where she loves seasons, rolling hills, and the warmth of the South. Follow Kim at www.kimanderson.life, on Instagram @kim_anderson_life, and on Facebook@ KimAndersonLifeCoachingto learn more about what she offers.