How to Get off the Drama Train

I can go back there like it is yesterday. Junior high. Bad bangs, bushy eyebrows, blue eye-shadow, crimped hair, fluorescent t-shirts, and all. If you weren’t raised in the ‘80s, you missed out on some “totally rad” fashion trends.

Along with the leg warmers, I can also remember the girl drama that, sadly, goes with every decade: the queen bees, the criticism, the hurt feelings, and the exclusion. Junior high—or, middle school as we now call it—was one of the most difficult stages in my life. I imagine it was in yours, too.

I remember girlfriends I didn’t feel safe with and parties where I felt weird talking to boys. Everyone else seemed so comfortable and self-assured. Why did it feel like I was I the only one who struggled with relationships?

“I would love to go back and relive my middle-school years because they were so great,” said no human ever.

One thing that is certain about adolescence is that we learn what relational drama looks like. We get exposure to toxic people. Some of us were lucky enough to get a taste of the drama and realize how damaging it can be. Some may have even learned to choose healthy relationships instead. Unfortunately, others end up on the drama train for life. A few of us are even conducting the drama train right now.

While we can’t completely isolate ourselves from toxic people, we can protect ourselves from relational drama by using these three strategies:

1.Take some time to know yourself.

What do you have to offer others and what do you need in a friend? What relationships spur you on and which drag you down? Do those around you make you want to be a better person? Do they draw out your inner strengths, or do they make you doubt your self-worth?

We won’t all be each other’s favorite. Some friends earn a place of trust, while others may need to remain acquaintances. Slow down and learn who you are in relationships and what qualities most resonate with you when you find them in another.

2. Gracefully decline invitations to join the drama train.

When the drama shows up, respectfully say no. No is okay. I give you permission to disappoint people. It is okay to disappoint people. Toxic people won’t be disappointed that you rejected them. They will be disappointed that they can’t control you anymore. They will be sad to lose power over you.

In essence, setting boundaries and saying no to toxic, controlling people is choosing your own self-worth. Don’t buy the lie that it is selfish to put your needs first. It is not our job to manage other people’s happiness. They must make their own choices and learn to sit in the consequences.

3. Find people who value your happiness.

Now that you have chosen to step off of the drama train, find your people. Seek out relationships with safe people who will support you, encourage you, and be happy for your successes.

Safe people will value your happiness. They won’t expect you to make them happy. They won’t rely on you to make them whole.

If you have been on the drama train for a while, it might take some time to learn a new pattern. That is okay. It is better to be alone for a season than on the toxic train for a lifetime.

You are amazing! Now start living like it!